What to do if a Somali warlord goes to your gymSomali warlords are dicks. Not only do they hog the machines, but they leave them all sweaty & gross afterwards. Seriously, would it kill them to mix it up with a little cardio on any of the 15 available ellipticals? Plus, when they move into your neighborhood, the price of recreational drugs usually goes up. (Ed. note: victimless crime) But they are for-real criminals too, so here are some tips for getting rid of them...
1. Unless your gym is outside the confines of the US, do not call the CIA. Inside the US, you have to call the FBI. Do not call your local Police or Sheriff's department. More than likely, they don't know where Somalia is and will arrest you for reporting what they think is a World of Warcraft character.
2. Confirm that the individual is in fact a Somali warlord. The FBI hates a false alarm and one incorrect accusation is usually all it takes to get you on their "Boy who cried Wolf" list and then they won't take you seriously should you happen to spot DB Cooper at the grocery store or Mormon polygamists buying Ikea meatballs. (yum!) Steps for correctly identifying Somali warlords:
b. Does he refuse to use the fingerprint ID system at the gym entrance?
c. Does the towel-guy refer to him as Colonel, but instead of pronouncing it Kerr-nell he says Coll-o-nell?
d. Subtly drop references to your friend (always use the buddy system, plus he can spot you for bench presses) about the movie Black Hawk Down and how much you hate the ending [SPOILER ALERT] where all the Marines get rescued. If you notice that he's nodding in agreement, he's probably a Somali warlord.
3. Distract him and lure him into a smaller training room away from his henchmen. Remember Somali warlords are often muslims, so the standard lure of a free ham sandwich is not likely to work. This doesn't need to be complicated though. If you get access to the gym's PA system, you can make an announcement that the UN shipment of food and medical supplies is being delivered to the yoga studio immediately after Zumba class. The opportunity to steal a UN shipment of food and medical supplies is too tempting for any Somali warlord to pass up. Timing your ruse for after Zumba class also minimizes the chance of innocent bystanders getting hurt and/or used as human shields.
4. Subdue him, but do not use guns. Although the weapon of choice for most Somali warlords is the AK-47, they are known to sometimes carry rocket launchers. The M72 LAW, for example, folds up and can be concealed in a gym bag. Do not be unprepared though, as hand combat is your best choice and likely to escape the notice of gym officials as "sparring." Krav Maga is an excellent choice. The details of this step will have to be up to you to determine, since that's not really my thing. (Ed. note: He's a lover, not a fighter)
5. Once your Somali warlord is out of commission you can safely call the authorities. Tying him up with a jump rope may call attention to the fact that you're tying a dude up in the yoga room and you may not want that kind of reputation. Instead, use resistance bands which have the added bonus of looking, to the casual observer, like a one-on-one training session. The henchmen (see step 3) will flee once their leader has been corralled, so there's nothing left to worry about.
6. Call the FBI and collect your reward! (Ed. note: This is not a promise of reward or compensation, offer void in the US)